You're Not Who I Think You Are!
Have you ever put a headlock on a complete stranger? When I was in highschool I made a terrible mistake of doing such a thing on somebody I didn't know. I was supposed to meet my friend in front of a large mall at 1 o'clock. I waited for 30 minutes but my friend still wouldn't come. I was furious about the fact that he had kept me waiting so I thought about how I could play a prank on him. I found a similar person looking around as if he was looking for me, so from behind I headlocked him and shook him backwards and forwards. However, he wouldn't respond as he usually would so I said, "Surprised, huh?" But to MY surprise, it wasn't my friend! It was somebody who looked familiar to my friend. It might sound funny but I instantly kneeled down and begged him for mercy. Luckily the man was very generous and didn't hit me back. From this experience, I learnt that pranks should never be played before serious consideration.
My Furry Little Friend
Without doubt, pets could be called companions for life. Lots of people, including myself, can prove that. By having a close relationship with pets, you will be able to undergo an unforgettable experience. As the society nowadays is uptight and complex, people do not have the opportunity to meet diverse people. Even if they do, they become unconcerned about eachother. However, for pets, it is different. As pets are simple animals, if you treat the pet in a respectful manner, you will be able to obtain full respect from the pet as well. This is not possible with people, as they are uptight and complex animals. Moreover, it is possible to share secrets with the pet that you have that you have never told anyone before, or share activities that can not be done with friends or families. This will not only be beneficial for the pet, but also for the person. For example, it has been proven that elderly people who own pets tend to live longer due to the mindset that their pets will be left alone if they die. Therefore, pets can be wonderful companions for an individual who wants an unforgettable relationship.
Feedback on: You’re Not Who I Think You Are!
ReplyDeleteI was surprised at how in comparison to length- this paragraph has everything it needs. Mainly it is about how the author mistook a complete stranger as a friend and made embarrassing physical contact. The concluding sentence talks about how pranks shouldn’t be played unless all possibilities and consequences have been considered. This is an interesting topic to write about because many people often make similar mistakes. Even for those who’ve never experienced the same situation, it is just as fun to read about. It was difficult to understand what type of format was used for the paragraph. “I head-locked him and shook him backwards and forwards” is visual and descriptive but I would probably have used, “shook him back and forth” instead. The word familiar in “somebody who looked familiar to my friend.” makes the sentence seem unclear. I’m sure there is a better word for this. One thing that would make a big improvement is putting some lines between “I could play a prank on him” and “I found a familiar person.” Right now it sounds like the author just suddenly approached a person who appeared out of nowhere. The author might have waited somewhere else or even hid before playing the prank. This kind of detail might help the reader imagine the situation better and get into the paragraph more.
Feedback on: My Furry Little Friend
This paragraph was easy to get into for me because I also have a pet and can relate. It might do better having a few more statistics if the author is using expressions like, “without doubt” or “prove”. The second sentence states that lots of people including the author can prove pets are life companions. As a reader, I’d appreciate more emphasis and detail on who the other people are and how it can be proved. There aren’t enough personal examples in the passage to prove any of the arguments given. The word animals in “Uptight and complex animals” might sound clearer as “uptight and complex beings” because the topic is about pets and pets are animals- hence the confusion. I actually loved the expression “uptight and complex” because that is what people really are like these days. It would be great if the author provided examples of what kind of things pets do to make the author feel fully respected. When it comes to domestic animals, personal experiences are great to use as information. There is one well-written example at the very end of the paragraph which I liked and I also enjoyed reading the concluding sentence and the expression, “unforgettable relationship” because that’s something we all want. The one thing that would make this paragraph even better is a strong example in the beginning. I think, for the topic to be stronger, this example or something similar should be put at the beginning of the paragraph not the end. With an example at the very beginning, the topic will not veer off course.
1. What I liked about this paragraph is that, most of all, it's funny. Interesting writing really attracts the reader to focus on the story. The part that I especially liked is the hook. By questioning to the reader, it makes the reader curious and brings up the desire to read the rest of the paragraph. What I did not understand well is at the last saying "before serious consideration". I could understand what you are trying to say but I had to read once more. It would be better if "without" replaces "before". The one thing that might improve your paragraph is to describe the strangers reaction to your prank. His facial expression could be an example.
ReplyDelete2.This writing is well organized. What I liked is the part that you exlain the benefits for both person and pet. The one thing that could improve your writing is to use more examples. Any scientific research that concluded the benefits for both person and pet could be one example.