201001666 (ELG) 손호정
Second Paragraph Writing Task
First Draft
Example Paragraph - The Worst Waiter
Our world is surrounded by something called "service" and this "service" has become an enormous part of all our lives. However, despite the modern society competing against each other on who has better service, some people tend to abuse this system in one way or another. Today is on the issue of the worst waiters and waitresses. There are many things to define the deferences between a bad waiter and a good waiter, such as their personality, characteristic and their dedication towards the work. But a typical bad waiter usually has short temper, foul mouth and acts violently and inappropriately towards customers. I haven't came across a situation myself but from my trustworthy sources, tell that it is not rare for this sad incident to happen. A bad waiter has an extremely limited patience. For example, when a customer is explaining what problem they came across, during the process, short tempered waiters get fired up and leaves the sight or start swearing or use physical abuse. The traits of a bad waiter are all related but swearing is taking it to another level. For someone who are committed to a job where they are supposed to understand and help the customers regardless of whose fault it is, it is dead crucial not to answer back in an assaulting manner. Finally, the unthinkable. Physical beating. In an argument with the customer, shoving, pushing, punching or kicking is possible the worst thing someone in the career field of service can do. It is true that some customers also have very bad manners, but despite the cuase of the problem, it is completely our of line to make an aggressive physical contact with someone who is wanting your service. The worst waiters have either a very short understanding of the future outcome or they just don't care about their future. When living in this world today is becoming all about helping each other, there will be no rooms left for "the worst waiters" in short future.
Procedure Paragraph - How to Throw a Surprise Birthday Party for a Friend
Everyone loves surprises as long as they are for the good cause and birthday party cannot be left out when it comes to surprise events. Throwing a surprise birthday party can be quite tricky if you haven't got the right knowledge and know-how. Here are some simple procedures you can follow to give your friend an unforgettable birthday party. Firstly and most importantly, everything has to be secret. Even the planning. This sounds simple but is very sophisticated. Second most important thing is to get your friends parents on your side. When you have the parents supporting you, nearly anything is possible and it is all down hill from here. Next, choose the timing of this potentially mind blowing party. Recommended times are the midnight of the day of your friends birthday or after his / her dinner out with the family. When the timing is set, it is time to get your balloons, food and drinks ready. Make sure that your friend doesn't come anywhere near the place where the party is going to be held at. When it is time for the long anticipated surprise time, all the lights should be turned off as if nothing is going to happen. Have in your mind that everything MUST seem normal. When the guy or the girl of the day enters the premise, just keep holding your breath. It is not the time YET. Then when your friend checks everything is normal and nothing is going to happen, that's when the surprise happens. If you want to find out what will happen next, just make sure one thing. Be there with your friend!
I'm very sorry for the late update..
ReplyDeleteMy computer had crashed and I hadn't had the chance to back up my files...
It took a little more while writing it again..it was getting late...ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
I apologize once again to everyone.
To Ho Jung Son From Ho Won Lee
ReplyDeleteFeedback on “The Worst Waiter”
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that is has a lot of splendid supporting sentences and evidences which even includes the writers own experiences. The sentences helped develop the paragraph very naturally.
2. Your main point seems to be “But a typical bad waiter usually has short temper, foul mouth and acts violently and inappropriately towards customers.”.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines
1. “Finally, the unthinkable”
2. “When living in this world today is becoming all about helping each other, there will be no rooms left for "the worst waiters" in short future”.
I liked them because
1. The sentence sets a flow by introducing the readers the climax of the paragraph.
2. The sentence acts like an adage by making the readers think and reflect on their actions deeply.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
Lines or parts
1. A bad waiter has an extremely limited patience.
Need improving because
1. The sentence is irrelevant to the topic “The Worst Waiter”.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is focusing on the worst waiter that the reader has faced rather than listing all kinds of bad waiters. Also, the topic sentence should be clearer by setting the tone for the worst waiter rather than expressing about bad waiters.
Feedback on “How to Throw a Surprise Party for a Friend”
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it has a lot of specific, easy to understand and funny explanations about the processes of the surprise party. Also, it has an excellent hook that grabbed my attention instantly.
2. Your main point seems to be “Here are some simple procedures you can follow to give your friend an unforgettable birthday party”.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines
1. “When the guy or the girl of the day enters the premise, just keep holding your breath.”
2. “Be there with your friend!”.
I liked them because
3. It makes the readers as if they are in the actual area where the party is taking place. It creates a vivid and lively atmosphere for the readers to be absorbed into the writing.
4. The sentence creates a tingling sensation and excitement that tempts the readers to have a surprise party of their own.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
Lines or parts
1. “This sounds simple but is very sophisticated”
Need improving because
1. Since this is a process paragraph, the sentence should not stop there and explain in detail why the object is sophisticated and how to solve the sophisticated problem.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is including a concluding sentence that corresponds to the topic sentence. The topic sentence was explaining how to give a friend an unforgettable party but the concluding sentence did not mention anything about how effective or unforgettable the surprise party was. All it said was to be with your friend if you want to find out what the result of the preparation of the surprise party was.
To Ho Jung Son From Ho Won Lee
ReplyDeleteFeedback on “The Worst Waiter”
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that is has a lot of splendid supporting sentences and evidences which even includes the writers own experiences. The sentences helped develop the paragraph very naturally.
2. Your main point seems to be “But a typical bad waiter usually has short temper, foul mouth and acts violently and inappropriately towards customers.”.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines
1. “Finally, the unthinkable”
2. “When living in this world today is becoming all about helping each other, there will be no rooms left for "the worst waiters" in short future”.
I liked them because
1. The sentence sets a flow by introducing the readers the climax of the paragraph.
2. The sentence acts like an adage by making the readers think and reflect on their actions deeply.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
Lines or parts
1. A bad waiter has an extremely limited patience.
Need improving because
1. The sentence is irrelevant to the topic “The Worst Waiter”.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is focusing on the worst waiter that the reader has faced rather than listing all kinds of bad waiters. Also, the topic sentence should be clearer by setting the tone for the worst waiter rather than expressing about bad waiters.
Feedback on “How to Throw a Surprise Party for a Friend”
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it has a lot of specific, easy to understand and funny explanations about the processes of the surprise party. Also, it has an excellent hook that grabbed my attention instantly.
2. Your main point seems to be “Here are some simple procedures you can follow to give your friend an unforgettable birthday party”.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines
1. “When the guy or the girl of the day enters the premise, just keep holding your breath.”
2. “Be there with your friend!”.
I liked them because
3. It makes the readers as if they are in the actual area where the party is taking place. It creates a vivid and lively atmosphere for the readers to be absorbed into the writing.
4. The sentence creates a tingling sensation and excitement that tempts the readers to have a surprise party of their own.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
Lines or parts
1. “This sounds simple but is very sophisticated”
Need improving because
1. Since this is a process paragraph, the sentence should not stop there and explain in detail why the object is sophisticated and how to solve the sophisticated problem.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is including a concluding sentence that corresponds to the topic sentence. The paragraph does not conclude with how the preparation of the surprise party makes an unforgettable experience for the person receiving the surprise party. Thus, the concluding sentence does not correspond with the topic sentence.
Sorry, the blog had some errors so I accidentally posted my feedback twice.
ReplyDelete