200703360 Choe Byoung bin
What changes would you like to see made to the educational system
Education is a matter of questioning about yourself
What does it mean to be educated? In a broad sense, it is to get cognition. Cognition means that you aware the reason for this or that. To know the reason, you need to ask questions about things presented to you. In my opinion, Korean educational system kills this ability to ask questions freely. Korean students are taught to accept what is proven through tests or exams. Moreover, getting into good universities is considered to be a major goal because it guarantees future success in the job market. First of all, the change that students who are only interested in study go to colleges should be made. Secondly, Korean educational system should be designed to develop students' ability to question, searching and waiting for the answer. This is the real meaning of power of thoughts, I think. Last but not least, enthusiasm and confidence to pursue what they really want in life should be boosted through teaching many diverse aspects of life and people. Korean education should work as school of self-realization by initiating students' true desire of what they want to be and present various ways of how to navigate through the life on their own.
The last time you celebrated a special holiday
Huangshan; the cloud mountain
The year 2007, to celebrate my grandmother's 80's birthday, my family took a trip to China. We went to Shanghai and then flew over to Huangshan (yellow mountain), which is in the southern part of the Anhui province in eastern China. Huangshan is very famous for pine trees distorted by the wind and crissy-crossed roads to get to the top. Monkeys, instead of showing alarm at visitors' intrusions, followed us, jumping from branch to branch in the thick woods, seemingly eager to catch something to eat. Most hikers found it spooky yet fun to be tailed by a monkey. Each foot following the other, I could see trees thining with the increasing altitude and the peak growing nearer. Top of Hunagshan was under the white blanket of clouds since it is in the moist region and I heard later that this splendid view is known as the Sea of Clouds. I felt like I was floating, seeing a bald, craggy expanse of rock surrounding them and the clouds together. Undoubtedly, Haungshan is one of the most beautiful mountains in the world.
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ReplyDeleteI think you are mainly talking about the changes that need to made in education system in Korea. I agree with the part where you said that Korean education doesn't provide the student an ability to ask quesions freely. But i didn't quite geet the part where you said "To know the reason, you need to ask questions about things presented to you." You mean to ask myself about my ability?? Also I kind of get what you are trying to say by listing three things(changes that need to be made) but i think it started all of a sudden. if you work on the organization of the paragraph i think it would be a much better writing.
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I think you are talking about the Haungshan mountain. I liked how you described the mountain so the readers could imagine how the mountain looks like and the creatures living in there. One confusion is your title. Is "The last time you celebrated a special holiday" the tile and "Huangshan; the cloud mountain" subtilte? Well if you were just planning to talk about the mountatin I think it's a nice paragraph but if you were talking about the special holiday I think it's better if you talk about the holiday at Haungshan as well. If you include your story about the holiday I think it'll be a better writing.
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ReplyDeleteI think you are talking about the changes needed in current Korean educational system. What I like about this piece of writing is that your opinion seems strong and persuasive enough to make readers feel the same with you. I like the hook in this paragraph, which consists of a question and an answer. It’s interesting and the way it is related with the following part of paragraph is very good, I think. And the organized structure of this paragraph, using ‘first of all,’ ‘secondly,’ ‘last but not least’, makes readers to understand your point quite easily. But I personally don’t get what the sentence ‘enthusiasm and confidence to pursue what they really want in life should be boosted through teaching many diverse aspects of life and people’ means. It will be better if you give more specific explanations or examples for it. The subject is not so catchy, I think, so you’d better shorten it or change it. If some specific information are added for reader’s better understanding, it will be a strong paragraph, I think.
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Reading your writing, I can tell the mountain is such a beautiful place that fascinates a lot of visitors. This is very good a descriptive writing, and I think I can even draw a picture of the scene just with this paragraph. I like your way of describing the scene with many interesting words. ‘white blanket of clouds’, ‘I felt like I was floating’ and some other expressions are so interesting. The description of monkeys’ move is also very lively and fun. But the concluding sentence sounds a little bit weird to me, because I thought you were talking about a pleasant holiday you celebrated in China, but the conclusion is simply the mountain is the most beautiful one in the world. I think it’s better to be something about how you liked it. You could have added some stories about your family enjoying the trip, because you mentioned that you were on a trip with your family in the topic sentence. On the whole, this is a good paragraph which is easy and interesting to read.