1st draft
Shin Seon Hae
7 July 2010
My First Experience
People have nose bleed when they get tired or get stressed or when their nose get hit my something hard. During my 23 years of a life experience, I had a nose bleed just once when I was five years old because of the third reason. When I was a kid my family used to visit our grandparent’s house every weekend. I don’t actually remember what I did every time I went to visit them but memory of that day, the day when I had my first nose bleed, comes alive to me like a photograph whenever I think back. That day my grandparent’s unfamiliar relative came to visit with their two children. While grownups had their little conversation they send three of us to the playground to have our own time of getting close to each other. After playing with me for awhile two of them sat themselves on the squeaky swing. They were planning to compete against each other on who goes higher on the swing. They did warn me firmly to stand aside and just watch while they compete, but I guess I wasn’t far enough. I was watching them swing fast and high like a bird and felt excited myself but the next moment I realized myself lying on a cold sandy ground with two nose bleed. I got hit by the swing when it was coming back up again. They tried hard to stop my bleeding but eventually I had to go to the hospital because the bleeding didn’t stop. After this incident I think I had developed a tolerance to nose bleed because whatever tough things I do I never had a nose bleed ever in my life. Thanks to the children and to the swing.
Hold On to Your Skirt!!
On a hot sunny weather I rather prefer to wear short pants or a skirt to jeans. But because of this preference I once experienced one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. This happened two years ago when I was living in Japan on the day when my friends and I planned to hang out. In the morning when I looked outside the window the sky was high, the sun was shining and the wind was blowing gently. The weather made me feel like walking for one or two stations before I get on the train. Even the weather was nice it was still hot so I chose to wear a white T-shirt and a patterned flair skirt. Soon after I got ready I started walking along the train track. On the other side of the road, there was an elementary school and I could over hear the giggling of the children playing on the ground. The sound of the leaves fluttering as the gentle wind passed through and the giggling of the children made me peaceful. But right next moment as the fluttering sound of the wind got louder the giggling stopped. The only sounds left were the leaves and the echo of my screaming. The moment I felt peaceful and was pleased with myself of making a good choice a strong wind blew toward me and kindly lift my skirt up to my stomach so every student over the fence could see what color underwear I was wearing. A little while later I found myself dashing along the road pretending nothing had happened. But the giggling behind didn’t feel like a pure children’s giggle anymore. From that day on when the wind seems to blow the first thing I do is to hold on to my skirt so no one can see what color I am wearing.
Feedback on: My First Experience
ReplyDeleteThe last two sentences made me laugh. The conclusion was just great and I enjoyed it so much. There is a slight problem with the last sentence because it seems weak to make one whole sentence on its own. Changing the last two sentences into one might be better.
The topic sentence is good but not strong enough to reel the reader in. The second sentence is a much better hook. So I’d change the organisation a bit. The author wrote about the grownups having their little conversation and the expression was interesting because it felt very like a child’s point of view. “The next moment I realised myself” – here, the expression realise myself sounds like something psychological rather than physical. It is difficult to realise yourself lying on the ground. I think there would be better alternatives like ‘found’. I don’t understand what an unfamiliar relative is but liked the part where they “sit themselves” on the swing because I can imagine them doing so. I’m not quite sure, but if this is a descriptive paragraph, it needs more description. The things the author saw, smelled, touched and tasted might be a good way to liven the text.
Feedback on: Hold On to Your Skirt
One thing that could make this much better is a hook. The current one is a bit feeble. Putting something about the embarrassing moment in the topic sentence (even if it’s a smidgen of detail) might be better. “Even the weather was nice it was still hot so” this part is missing something. I’m not sure if it is a comma or a word, but something is not right and makes it hard to understand. Description is much better than the first paragraph and interesting to read. The word fluttering is used twice for two different subjects. It should talk about one subject, the wind or the leaves because readers could easily become confused. Or, “fluttering sound of the wind” could be changed to “fluttering sound of the leaves”. The wind does not flutter, so this may just be a word error. “Kindly lift my skirt up to my stomach” at first seems to be a nice expression until I read the rest of the sentence and realize it is a cynical approach. The sentence is brilliant on its own but it doesn’t fit with the rest of the context so it was harder to realise the sarcasm. Also, there was something at the very end I didn’t quite understand. The expression “pure children’s giggle” is vague because the sentence is talking about the very opposite. If it didn’t feel like a pure child’s giggle, what did it feel like? Other than that, I think the organisation was good and am sure that this paragraph would turn into a wonderful childhood story.
Feedback on: My First Experience
ReplyDeleteThe last two sentences made me laugh. The conclusion was just great and I enjoyed it so much. There is a slight problem with the last sentence because it seems weak to make one whole sentence on its own. Changing the last two sentences into one might be better.
The topic sentence is good but not strong enough to reel the reader in. The second sentence is a much better hook. So I’d change the organisation a bit. The author wrote about the grownups having their little conversation and the expression was interesting because it felt very like a child’s point of view. “The next moment I realised myself” – here, the expression realise myself sounds like something psychological rather than physical. It is difficult to realise yourself lying on the ground. I think there would be better alternatives like ‘found’. I don’t understand what an unfamiliar relative is but liked the part where they “sit themselves” on the swing because I can imagine them doing so. I’m not quite sure, but if this is a descriptive paragraph, it needs more description. The things the author saw, smelled, touched and tasted might be a good way to liven the text.
Feedback on: Hold On to Your Skirt
One thing that could make this much better is a hook. The current one is a bit feeble. Putting something about the embarrassing moment in the topic sentence (even if it’s a smidgen of detail) might be better. “Even the weather was nice it was still hot so” this part is missing something. I’m not sure if it is a comma or a word, but something is not right and makes it hard to understand. Description is much better than the first paragraph and interesting to read. The word fluttering is used twice for two different subjects. It should talk about one subject, the wind or the leaves because readers could easily become confused. Or, “fluttering sound of the wind” could be changed to “fluttering sound of the leaves”. The wind does not flutter, so this may just be a word error. “Kindly lift my skirt up to my stomach” at first seems to be a nice expression until I read the rest of the sentence and realize it is a cynical approach. The sentence is brilliant on its own but it doesn’t fit with the rest of the context so it was harder to realise the sarcasm. Also, there was something at the very end I didn’t quite understand. The expression “pure children’s giggle” is vague because the sentence is talking about the very opposite. If it didn’t feel like a pure child’s giggle, what did it feel like? Other than that, I think the organisation was good and am sure that this paragraph would turn into a wonderful childhood story.
The 1st paragraph
ReplyDeleteMy Experience is about the author's first nose bleeding experience in her youth. Her description of children's play makes it easier to further concentrate on the text. It evokes interest by letting us recall our childhood. My favorite line was 'I was watching them swing fast and high like a bird and felt excited myself but the next moment I realized myself lying on a cold sandy ground with two nose bleed.' However, the title is too weak and formal to attract people's attention. It could be better if you make it more personal.
The 2nd paragraph
You talk about your embarrasing situation that sudden wind lifted your skirt up and kids giggled, looking at it. You seemingly meant to strengthen the dramatic effect by describing peaceful moment before the event. No reader will expect what's going to happen later. However, there's still something I wish you were more careful of. Some grammatical, lexical errors were found. Sometimes it's hard to know what the line means. For example, the line 'But the giggling behind didn’t feel like a pure children’s giggle anymore.' confused me somewhat.
But reading your paragraphs was real fun! ;)