The Change is Needed
Education is a very important issue that many people are interested in. Especially in Korea, where parents are so enthusiastic for their children's study, debates over the educational system are always controversial. Many changes are being made to the current educational system, but still I think there are many things to change for a better academic environment. The change I would like to make most is the school hours. Many Korean high school students are forced to stay at school for a long time, just for studying. In my case, I had to study at school until midnight in my high school days. When I get back home and went to bed, it was almost like 1 or 2 in the morning. What's worse, I also had to get up in the morning around 6 a.m., because there was a class before the regular class begins. It was so hard for me to follow the time table, and still I can see many high school students who are suffering from this system. The main problem of this system is that it is not likely to be effective, because it makes students tired and sleepy all day long. Being exhausted for lack of sleep, students keep sleeping in classes, missing the important parts for their study. Also, it can be harmful to students' health. Not only they lack sleep, but also they are not able to work out enough because they have to stay at school all day. When I was a senior in my high school, I weighed much more than I do now since I ate a lot and didn't work out at all. It happens to many students, and their health just gets worse and worse. Another bad outcome of this system is that students hardly have their own free time. People tend to think that students, especially high school students, do not need a free time because they have to focus on studying. But I don't think so. Since they get a lot of stress from the school life, they really need time to relax and feel free. Therefore, the current time arrangement of Korean educational system is not effective at all. I think if schools could give more time to students, I'm sure that they would see much better students in many ways.
A Scary Confrontation with A Crow
Last winter, I was walking down the street of Sapporo, Japan. Since I was hungry, I bought a bread and was eating it while walking. Suddenly, there appeared a huge crow in front of me, blocking my way. It was early in the morning so there was no one to help me. I personally have a serious phobia for birds so I couldn't move or say a word at that moment. After a few seconds, it started to threaten me, making itself bigger and croaking. I even thought it can kill me soon and nobody would help me. Then, fortunately, I remembered that I was holding a bread in my hand. "maybe he wants this bread." I thought. But at the same time I thought, "what if he attacks me when I throw this to him? should I run away?" all these thoughts occurred to me in just a few seconds, but it felt like hours for me. Even though the weather was freezing cold, I was sweating like it was summer. Finally I decided to give the bread to him and took a deep breath. Slowly, I picked the bread and threw it in front of the crow. Fortunately, that seemed to be what the bird wanted. He picked the bread with his bill, and quickly flew away. Still frightened, I couldn't move for a few minutes after he left. It was the most frightening experience in my life and I don't eat something on the street anymore.
1. What I like about this paragraph is that it shows your idea clearly. I can see your point that school hours have to be shortened. I cannot agree more. I suffered in my high school years not by just studying but also staying late at school. It really took my energy and enthusiasm over school life. I especially like the part that you mentioned your own experience in supporting your main idea which starts with "In my case,..." What I am confused by is the part in the end saying educational change could make students in much better way. I am curious in what particular kinds of way could students improve. Overall writing was well organized. The one thing that could improve your paragraph is to state your main idea in the beginning. Since this is the paragraph, the reader should notice your main idea, change in school time, to understand your opinion better.
ReplyDelete2. What I like about this paragraph is that you nicely described your frightened situation. It was interesting because I never encountered crow in face to face before. The part that I especially liked is where you mention your thoughts having in front of the crow. "what if he attacts..." This made me easy to understand your emotions at that time. I could not find any part that I did not understand. The one thing that could improve this paragraph might be describing how frightening the crow is by mentioning its shape or sound.
Feedback on “The Change is Needed”
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this paragraph is that it is very coherent Your main point seems to be that the school hours should be shortened. I especially like the fact when you said students need time to relax because you were very strong in your opinion. The last sentence which said “much better student” could be more specific. The writing was coherent, strong and clear. The one thing that could improve your paragraph is using a better hook to catch the readers’ attention. Also, you could have used more of a vivid experience or languages that makes the readers feel they are really there.
Feed back on “A Scary Confrontation with a Crow”
What I like about this paragraph is that it has a very catchy title and an interesting hook. You main point seems that you had a scary confrontation with a crow. I like the sentence “After a few seconds, it started to threaten me, making itself bigger and croaking. I even thought it can kill me soon and nobody would help me.” Because it was very realistic and I felt like I was there. Also, it was very cute because you actually thought it would kill you. I also like the sentence “Even though the weather was freezing cold, I was sweating like it was summer” because it contained a simile. Also, I liked how you included a dialogue. One thing that would improve the writing would be adding a clear topic sentence. Although you have a good hook you don’t have a topic sentence.