200601222 Semi park
A way to travel that interests you
My bike trip to San Francisco
In last weekend, I travelled around San Francisco by bicycle. I was afraid that it would be hard to bike for three days, but it was just the best trip ever. First, I liked that I was independent from transportation. I could make plans not relying on transportation schedules. I could go whenever and wherever with my blue bicycle. Everything that I felt in the trip is still vivid in my memory. Crossing Golden Gate Bridge which is known as the most beautiful bridge in the world, I could smell the ocean underneath and feel the fresh breeze from the bay. After crossing the bridge, I biked up the hill where cars couldn't get in and saw the scenery from there. It was amazing. The whole of city was seen with pristine nature. Because I had to find the directions by myself, I still remember everything I went through riding my bike from the little streets with trees which looked like broccolis to the Victorian-style houses. Also, I can't forget the feeling of achievement after biking for three days. I could see myself much stronger. Before I experienced it, I didn't expect it would be that great. Now, I wish I could have more biking trips. It was such a nice adventure
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What I like about this piece of writing is that I can see your feelings and passion for traveling on bicycle. Your main point seems to be that you enjoyed your bike trip in San Francisco very much. The following words or lines struck me as powerful. I like “smell the ocean underneath and feel the fresh breeze from the bay” because I was like being on the spot with you. Also, I like “broccolis to the Victorian-style houses” because it helped me to imagine easily how the houses looked like. However, “I could see myself much stronger” could be improved because it is not clear that in what way you felt much stronger. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that it would be better if you give more details about the appearance of Golden Gate Bridge and pristine nature.
ReplyDelete1. I really like the fact that the writing mentioned the fact that the experience made the writer a stronger person. The concluding sentences of this paragraph isn't too ordinary and meaningful
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be the fact that you really had a great time and got to experience something that was out of your ordinary life and the fact that you learnt a lesson from it.
3."I could smell the ocean underneath and feel the fresh breeze from the bay". This sentence, in my opinion was the best descriptive sentence. The moment I read this sentence, I could really smell the fresh air.
"independant from transportation" was also a good sentence because afterwards, the writer explained in details what it means to be independent from transportation.
4. "In last weekend" sounds a little unnatural. "On the last weekend" would have been better perhaps. (I'm not a 100% confident)
5. In my opinion, it might be a good idea to proof read the paragraph a couple of times to correct yourself grammatically. Also, the structure of the first half of the paragraph is a bit confusing.
I think Semi is talking about her bike trip around San Francisco. What I liked about this piece of writing is to read your exicted of the new experience. I could feel the exictment that you had a week ago. "Everything that I felt in the trip is still vivid in my memory." Form this phrase I really like the sound of the word vivid. Because, the word sounds like the memories will soon pop out lively sooner or after.
ReplyDeleteI think this writing would be much better if you describe more about the Golden Gate Bridge and the scenery that you had seen while you were travling. In that way, people would also know how beautiful the scenery was. Also, there are some very short sentences like "It was amazing. The whole of city was seen with pristine nature." I think it would be better if you wirte it littel longer with some more descriptive words.
Thank you.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it was very animated and descriptive. The writing had a flow of space with it that I found very distinctive compared to other writings.
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be travelling around San Francisco was your best trip ever.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful.
Words or lines:
1. I could smell the ocean underneath and feel the fresh breeze from the bay.
2. Trees which looked like brocollis to the Victorian-styled houses.
3. The whole city was seen with pristine nature
I like them because
1. It was very realistic and couldn't get any more descriptive than this.
2. It made me actually visualize where the writer was at and created a picture inside my head instantaneously.
3. The sentence introduced the surrounding in a fantastic way by using the words "pristine nature".
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
Lines or parts:
Also, I can't forget the feeling of great achievement after biking for three days. I could see myself much stronger.
Needs improving because:
This sentence interrupted the flow that moved according to space. The author could have used that as a part of her concluding sentence.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to continue the flow of space until the moment you arrived your arrived at your house rather than end it abruptly during the middle of the trip.
Wow, I really like the comments from you guys. Thanks a lot. It helps me a lot to know how I can improve my writing :)
ReplyDelete