Introduction to Writing
Assignment 1 - Descriptive Paragraph
Topic - A way to travel that interests me
A Taste of Sky Adventure
As a young boy, I travelled a lot, especially by airplanes. My first experience with the airplane was when I was 11 years old to the Unites States. I couldn't have been more nervous and excited at the same time. I can still remember the mysterious but familiar smell of the airplane. When I sat on my aisle seat placed fairly towards the end of the plane, I could see everything in the vehicle. Two big wide-inch screens, blue seats with trays, green carpet which was worn out, and half-piped ceiling. There were people of all races too. I had never seen so many foreigners in one vehicle before. After beautiful stewardess' kind demonstration just incase our lives are put to risk, the moment that I've been waiting for came. The take off. The plane moved slowly but with overwhelming force towards the long runway. Then the plane started to shake. Before I had time to know what was going on, the plane roared forward as my head tilted back without my will. When I finally could open my eyes, I was well up in the air. All the fast cars looked as tiny and slow as ants. After a short while, I could see the white clouds, clear blue sky and the brightest sun in my life. I felt like I could let go of everything back on the earth and just fly away. I could never and will never forget the sensation of being up in the air. It will stay with the rest of my memories of adventure forever.
201001666 Son Ho Jeong
ReplyDelete1. This writing is well described about the inner part of the airplane and how the writer felt when the plane started to take-off.
ReplyDelete2. The writer starts to show an image of how the airplane looked like inside and the process of departure in very detailed descriptions.
3. "Before I had time to know what was going on, the plane roared forward as my head tilted back without my will."
- This sentence even made me remember how I felt during my first flight. It describes the precise feeling when the plane starts to move.
4.The writer used the word 'vehicle' which I'm not sure whether it can be used instead of plane.
5. If the writer could explain the inside view more specific(like explaining where the chairs were at, or how many seats were there approximately, it would help the readers to imagine more easily.
What I like about this piece of writing is that it has nicely described the feelings or senses you had on the airplane. Your main point seems to be clear since you stated that you was so excited and you will never forget the memory. The lines that struck me are as follows. 'Mysterious but familiar smell of the airplane' was interesting to me because you described the smell of the airplane which I never thought about it. The way you described the smell was understandable as it makes me think that I had smell that kind of odor on the airplane. 'tiny and slow as ants' was interesting to me because you nicely described the feeling that you had while going up to the sky. 'See everything in the vehicle' seems unclear to me because you were mentioning about the plane and suddenly you changed the term for the plane as the vehicle.
ReplyDeleteThe one change you could make for the improvement of this paragraph is to make sure the concluding sentence restate your main idea.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that he used various descriptive words which enabled him to cover the main aspects of description paragraph that includes size, shape, color and sound.
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be the first experience traveling by airplane.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful.
Words or lines
1. The take off
2. My head tilted back without my will
3. Tiny and slow as ants
I like them because
1. This phrase expressed the climax of the paragraph and set a structure for a short writing piece which has so many limitations to its construction.
2. The phrase describes the situation in lively and specific ways.
3. The phrase contains a simile that lets the readers know exactly how the atmosphere is in a creative fashion by comparing the buildings to ants.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
Lines or parts
1. My first experience with the airplane was when I was 11 years old to the United States.
Need improving because
1. It does not state anything as a topic sentence. Was the experience valuable? Cherishing? Priceless? Reminiscing?
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is correcting some basic grammatical errors and stating a clearer topic sentence so the readers can have a more comprehensive understanding of what the paragraph is talking about collectively.