200603322 Hyun Kyoung Cha
My favorite piece of art has to be the famous portrait called Mona Lisa, drawn by
Leonardo da Vinci. People might think it is strange to like such a drawing of just a plain
woman, but it brings out a strange feeling inside me. When I look into the picture,
I feel as if the picture is staring back at me making the impression that she has
something to say to me. It seems as if she wants to share something with me and
then if I look again, she looks as if she's hiding something making me absorb into the picture.
Another reason I like Mona Lisa the best is because the story of the painting is actually
a bit romantic. It says that the portrait is actually of Leonardo's wife while she was in
a state of depression. Leonardo made her wife smile by calling musicians and clowns
to make a pleasant atmosphere, and she did smile in the end. I sometimes surf through
the internet to take a look at it and realize once again that it really is "a piece of art".
1. What I like about this piece of writing is
ReplyDelete; Detailed description of your impression of the painting
2. Your main point seems to be
; You like the portrait 'Mona Lisa' because you can be in communion with it and like its hidden story about 'how it came into the world'
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines
- 'It seems as if she wants to share something with me and
then if I look again, she looks as if she's hiding something making me absorb into the picture.'
I like them because
; They are the part expressing your innermost feeling about the portrait. Your metaphoric description infuses life into 'Mona Lisa'.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
Lines or parts
- 'I feel as if the picture is staring back at me making the impression that she has
something to say to me.'
Need improving because
; It is unnecessary to state the same impression twice in a paragraph.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is
; The concluding sentence does not sufficiently convey its meaning. You'd better restate the reasons why you adore the piece briefly.
What I like about this piece of writing is that the author shows a lot of personal connection to the object. It makes the description more interesting because of the author's feelings toward the object. Your main point seems to be when you look at Mona Lisa, you realize this is the piece of art. These particular words struck me as powerful: People might think it is strange to like such a drawing of just a plain woman, but it brings out a strange feeling inside me. I like them because these words explain the emotional respond of the author to the object, making the reader more intrigued. These parts could be improved:Another reason I like Mona Lisa the best is because the story of the painting is actually a bit romantic. I think they need improving because they are not relevant to the topic. The topic of this writing was to describe Mona Lisa and conclude it is truly a piece of art. Although it was a good try to make the writing more personal and intriguing, deviating the topic is not good because the reader can get confused. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that you could include more specific details in your writing. Your writing is very personal and interesting but it doesn't give much detail about the object except that the woman is looking plain and she smiled in the picture. If you include more details about how she looked or her facial expression or her clothes, her movements, your writing could gain more vividness. -Jiyoon Bae-
ReplyDelete