Week 1 paragraph
Intro to English Academic Writing
200703910 ELG
Kim Juhee
A way to travel that interests me
I really love to go travelling with my family or friends, especially by train. There are several reasons for that. First, it is very fast and the cost is affordable. Even cars are not as fast as the train, and since oil price quite high, it will cost you a lot of money if you drive a long distance. And also, there is no traffic jam in railroads, so we can arrive at the destination without any delay. For example, it took around 10 hours when I went to Busan by a car, but it just took less than 3 hours when I revisited there by KTX train. Another good thing about travelling by train is convenience. The seats are usually very soft and comfortable enough for people take a rest, so people can be relaxed and sometimes enjoy the scenery outside the window while they are riding on it. Furthermore, there are even kiosks or small cafeteria, and restrooms in the train. When we feel hungry or need to go to a restroom during a trip, we need to look for somewhere to stop by. But in the train, we don't have to do it. Most of all, train is a great place to build good relationships with people you are traveling with, because the atmosphere inside the compartment encourages us to talk each other. If we travel by cars or bicycles, it is very hard to make a conversation with others, since we have to drive. But in a compartment where people can gather around and sit in comfortable seats, there are more chances for us to talk or sometimes play some games together. When I was on a trip with my friends by a night train, I really felt we got even closer than before through conversations and games we had. There must be many ways to enjoy a travel, but I think taking a train would be the one of the best way to make the trip more meaningful.
Good descriptive passages like this one are lovely to read, especially if it is on the benefits of taking the train because I've only taken it once or twice before. I can imagine exactly the kinds of spaces or people I might encounter on the train and it makes me see why I should try riding the train once in a while. I especially enjoyed reading about other parts of the train that I'm not familar with like kiosks and the cafeteria. A sentence that stood out was, "the atmosphere inside the compartment encourages us to talk each other." because it is a good sentence and makes the reader picture what type of atmosphere it might be. It could be thought of as vague, but I believe it helped my imagination run a bit more freely.
ReplyDeleteIf the paragraph had been more about personal views rather than just facts, it might have been easier to get into. The concluding sentence is a bit boring when the sentences that came before it were so entertaining to read. Many of the examples given in the paragraph are based on convenience rather than how the train interests you as a type of transportation. It is barely interesting that the train is faster than the car not because it isn't a facinating fact, but because it is a fact most readers are familiar with. A change in title to fit the paragraph may be needed. With that, personally I think this is just perfect(although it would have been more fun for the author to write about personal thoughts on how travelling by train is "interesting" in comparison to other forms of transport).
I think Kim Juhee is talking about the benefits of train when you are on a trip. The thing I liked about this piece of writing is that you are giving good reasons for people to understand why the train is more convenience than any other transportation. To be exact I liked the part where you said "build good relationships with people" because I really do agree with you on this part. Of course, train is easiler for peopel to have conversation. But about this phrase "atmosphere inside the compartment encourages us to talk each other" I think it would've been better if you explained why the atmosphere encourages people to talk other then the comfortable seats.
ReplyDeleteI think this piece of writing would have been much better if you had explained in detail more about the atmosphere and compartment of the train. Because in that way readers would easily draw a picture of the train as they read along, which would be easier for them to agree on your fact. Also if you had watched out for little grammar mistakes, this writing would be much better paragraph.
Thank you.