200703360 Choe Byoung bin
Life of Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru
A person that I admire the most is Jawaharlal Nehru, the first Indian prime minister who led Indian dependence movement. About 10 years ago, I happened to read a world history book written by him and it came to me as a surprise. First of all, I was stimulated by depth of his knowledge and inspired by his deep thoughts about historical events. Overwhelmed by his keen insights about human history, I searched him through the internet and read his biography. I found out that Nehru put his heart and soul into accomplishing his country's freedom, overcoming many hardships. For example, he never gave up the effort to activate Non-aligned Movement even though he was put into prison for plotting that many times. After gaining independence, Nehru tried to construct his country's social system based on concerns for the poor and underprivileged. I respect him the most because he dedicated his entire life for his faith and justice.
What I like about this piece of writing is that I can see clearly that why you admire Jawaharlal Nehru and his commitment to his country. Your main point seems to be that you look up to Jawaharlal Nehru very much and his dedication to achieve independence. The following words or lines struck me as powerful. I like “keen insight” because I know the words both keen and insight, but I rarely use it and I learned from you and it would be really useful. Also, I like “put his heart and soul into” because it describes how much he strived for Indian independence very well. However, “that many times” could be improved because I am not quite sure if “that” is appropriate there and “many times” could be more specific. There are some changes you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing. It would be better if you give more details about his knowledge and thoughts about history such as his certain views on some historical events. You could also name some years including when he led Indian independence movement.
ReplyDeletePark Jun Hyung said..
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this piece of writing is that this paragraph is nicely organized. You pointed out the main reason why you aqdmire Jawaharlal Nehru with an example. Your main point seems to be clear since you wrote why you admire Jawaharlal Nehru. The lines that struck me were as follows. 'Non-aligned Movement~' and 'based on concerns for~'. These lines struck me because I just read similar lines, which were containing non-aligned movement and concerns for, just yesterday on the newspaper. I was surprised and interesting that you used the same expression. However, some expressions are not clear to me. For example, 'overcoming hardship' could be improved as explaining or providing more detail information. Also, it would be better if you explain about the reasons why you admire him. For example, 'his faith and justice' seems unclear to me becuase it is to abstract. The one change you could make for the improvement is to give out some examples or detail information.